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It's not all that important.
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[25 Dec 2008|12:38am] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
] |
Merry Christmas, even though it doesn't feel like Christmas without the snow.
= [
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[03 Dec 2008|11:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sick |
] |
Goddamn this flu
= [
I'm dying
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| A letter you were never meant to read |
[11 Aug 2008|11:11pm] |
I think it's only fair to me that I get to tell you this at least once.
You're horrible for me.
You're quirky and adorable, and it's not fair that I'm put aside, no matter how shy you are.
You make it seem like everything I do means nothing at all.
It kills me whenever I have to admit that we've been going out for two months and we've been on one date.
But I don't need a date or an adorably awkward first date where we walk around a sweltering hot park for two hours (because you picked two not three hours, remember that) holding hands because I made you even though you said you liked it but were too shy to do it yourself.
And you hands were all clammy and that made you embarrassed, but it was quite possibly the cutest thing you've ever done for me.
You didn't kiss me at the end though, even though you could have.
Which makes me nervous that you might always be too shy to ever kiss me.
Which is disappointing because you're the first boy I want to kiss not for physical reasoning but because I think it'd be the greatest moment of my life so far.
I just need you in some way.
I don't want to break up with you and I'm not going to, so calm down, that's not what it is, even though everyone says I should.
But it's okay because you don't realize it, and plus, I think I understand you, maybe a tiny bit, but it's still a bit, and I am willing to wait for you to realize it.
I guess, we're both selfish and mismatched and odd and quirky, but the more I think about it the more I slowly realize that's what I need in life.
Maybe not for forever, but for right now.
Someone who corrects me when I'm wrong, and accepts the little tantrums I throw, or how I make ridiculous comments, and how I hate having to baby everyone and I'm tiered and unhealthy.
And who admits he doesn't know what's next or what he wants out of life.
Because we're fifteen, and I don't want to think about those things.
You might think I'm loosing my mind.
But I'm not.
I'm loosing my heart.
Because this is no condition or place to live my life.
I don't know if I love you, and a part of me doesn't want to, because I'm preparing myself for your leaving because I'm getting out alive.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for how annoying I can be whenever I ask you a million questions because I feel the need to know more about you so you'll feel like you're leaving a bit of yourself with me.
I'm sorry for my possessiveness over you, but as much as I'm waiting to accept your goodbye, that doesn't mean I'm willing to let go.
I'm sorry for my obsessive need to say sorry.
I know how much you hate for me to say sorry, but if in a strange way I'm picking up your lack of saying it to me.
I deserve that.
I deserve for your worrying when you don't bother to make contact with me for days at a time, while I'm stricken with guilt and worry.
And you deserve my anger when you say remarks that hit a little too close to home.
I guess I'm just writing this because I know you'll never see it, and that's okay, but not really.
Because you shouldn't have to read a letter to realize these things.
So right now, I'm giving up a bit more.
Not on our relationship or my hopes, but my impatience and my need for you to do something, anything to make me realize maybe you think about these things too.
Right now, I'm giving up, right now.
Right now I'm accepting I'm needy and hypocritical and mean.
Right now I'm accepting your careless at times.
Right now I'm realizing you're no better then me, nor am I better then you.
Right now I'm giving part of this heart away.
Right now you better feel the weight of that.
Right now you better hope you protect me so I can be the person I was before I worried more about everyone else then myself.
And hopefully right now, you gave up a part of yourself to me too.
(Which I don't know if that's possible because you're probably asleep since it's after ten o clock but that's okay, it's a nice thought.)
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[16 May 2008|11:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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No One- Alicia Keys |
] |
BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT I DO.
(I took this sexually, as horrible as it may be)
= ]
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[28 Apr 2008|01:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 awake |
] |
I think SM is putting Beatles merch in suju pics to throw Americans off.
Really Lee Soo Man, really?
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[25 Apr 2008|10:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
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sick |
] |
Ugh, I'm so sick right now and it fucking sucks.
I had an eassy on Midsummer Night's Dream due today.
And I had to finish my recreation of Before the Exam in Art1.
Also I had to type up my reprt anaylsis for my bitchy fourth block teacher.
This sucks.
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[14 Apr 2008|09:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 irate |
] |
If I hear one more God damn "Fangirl" support "only 13" I will stab her.
If you were a fan you would support the new members!
Dammit.
Stupid bitches.
How can you deny this?!
He's pure sex appeal AND can play the violin!
You can't go wrong wiht this.
(I can't find pictures of that other boy though D = the other really hot one)
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| DATE |
[11 Apr 2008|05:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nervous |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Check Yes Juliet by We The Kings |
] |
O.O
FREAKING OUT!
FREAKING OUT!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!
...in two hours I will be on my first date...and I feel like crying.
Only not sad crying, but "God-I-Really-Hope-I-Don't-Fuck-This-Up-Kind-Of-Crying"
I'm so nervous! I don't even know what to do.
He's so cute and nice and gentlemen like and I'm so...shy and impulsive
>.>
It's times like this I wish boys didn't exsist.
(Except when I wan them to)
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[30 Mar 2008|06:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
Mmmm...I feel so relaxed right now.
I used some of Kat's bath salt for your feet and ohemgee they're fantastic.
But when I filled up the tub thing to soak my feet in I guess I put the water up too high and so I can't really put my feet in yet because it's too hot
= \
But I'm looking foward to it.
Dancing takes a really big toll on my poor feet.
= C
Anyways~
I have come to the conculsion that I need something to do.
Aside form school work I have no life.
I get so bored sometimes that I purposely put off any homework so I'll have something to do later.
>.O
Sure I dance, but I didn't go anywhere for that.
What I know I taught myself or from watching online performances and practicing.
I love to go places but I don't always want to go with a friend.
I need a job.
This wouldn't be a problem if I could drive.
UGH~!
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| What a beautiful, lovely day. |
[03 Mar 2008|04:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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LOvely Day by Super Junior |
] |
Nothing could ruin this.
Nothing.
I am going to forget that my mother was a complete bitch this morning because the sky is so blue and clam right now and the breeze coming through my window seems to be taking my cares with it.
Because I hopw this might brighten everyone's day.
= ]
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| SQUEE! |
[24 Feb 2008|12:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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ecstatic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Girls on Top - BoA |
] |
No one has a right to be that damn cute.
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[14 Feb 2008|09:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Hold Me Down by Motion City Soundtrack |
] |
Wow, sleeping for four hours since 4 PM was not the best thing I could of done.
But I had a dream about Super Junior and how they all had to share beds with eachother, Hahahaha XD
Anyways I should post some pics of my new hair, I like it alot = ]
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| My hair... |
[25 Jan 2008|11:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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nervous |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Jack's Lament - The Nightmare Before Christmas |
] |
..it needs a change.
And no nothing extreme like cutting it all off or dying it neon green (because although it looks really cute on some girls I'd just look stupid.)
Plus i'd never dye my hair, it kills most people's hair and I'd perfer to be able to wash my hair and not have it fall out in clumps.
(But secretly I would love to have ginery colored hair XD)
So I've decided that I'm going to get some bangs = ]
Not the hardcore barrel bangs that are 'in style' now, but classy side bangs.
It'll look like this hopefully:
It may not seem like a lot but I've had long, elbow length hair for almost four years now. I had bangs when I was like...five but it made me look like a boy.
I'll post a picture from before my haircut and one after and see what it looks like.
Wish me luck = X
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| I don't want a lot for Christmas, All I need is you. |
[20 Dec 2007|09:37pm] |
= DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
I'm pretty psyched for this winter break!
I picked out 98% of my presents so no suprises = [
But I'm really excited for getting to see what the other 2% is.
Also today in gym class my friends Kevin, Francisco, and Lopex taught me hoe to Salsa dance it was great = ]
On a bad note; I have a 66% in Spanish 3 and when I asked my teacher what I should do to get it up she told me I needed to get better at the class.....WTF?!
Please explain how that is advice? So I asked for extra credit and she said no.
>.> I feel like commiting mass murder.
But my mother had to go and e mail her and ask for some, so now I feel like a idiot, it's not that I don't do my work or don't study or anything liek that it's just I'm no good at foregin languages.
T.T
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[26 Nov 2007|10:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Russian Underdogs - Flowers for my mistress |
] |
( RAWR!!!!! )
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[20 Nov 2007|07:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Snow - Red Hot Chili Peppers |
] |
So.....someone sent me this through my email and I have no idea who.
I'm a little scared and since I won't have school for the next fice days, I will need to call people.
But the problem being, I hate using phones.
So I'll just wait it out.
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| Adorable |
[28 Oct 2007|10:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Lie - Big Bang |
] |
This is too cute!
: DDDD
Morning Musume remind me of.....a Japanese version of candyland XD
Oh! 2:16, that is the cutest fishy face ever.
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| Oh baby, he doesn't love you when he's cheating. |
[16 Oct 2007|12:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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My sobs : [ |
] |
If you could say one thing to your ex what would it be?
Stop taking to me!
That was a survey Ryan did this afternoon that I saw on MySpace.
I'm really sad right now.
I mean, yeah I was the one who broke up with him because he was treating me like I was nothing.
Like I should only be there when he needed me.
Also because I honestly believe he deserved better then me.
But a part of me always believed he'd realize he did me wrong and apologize and we'd all live happily ever after.
But no.
Whatever, he can go fuck himself, jackass.
I hope he sleeps around wiht some girl and gets an STD (although I don't know if he ,like a lot of people are, having sex?)
I know I'm not! Thank goodness!
And not to sound concited but what the fuck did I ever see in him?
I mean really he was always mean to me and he is not attractive.
Fuck this, I'm giving up on relationships.
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compare_hearts's journal
